Monday, October 10, 2016

Only way to get over things is to realize that there is nothing to get over

"He died because of me... I did not say a proper farewell the last time I met him. I ran away to catch my train... without a backward glance. I knew he was sick, but I thought that he will recover. I thought we will speak at length the next time. When he was feeling better. When I had more time. He passed away before I returned. I should have stayed on and fought with him."
For 9 years, she believed he died because of her. Because if she was there she could have done something differently. She would have supported him. Helped somehow. Given a pound of flesh to keep him alive. It was her fault. She left. She could never forgive herself for that. She was someone you could not trust. She was someone who would run away from problems. Always.

Our worst traumas, our emotional disturbances, and the low points in our lives often have nothing to do with the root cause of the problem. Don't be indignant. It is traumatic to lose loved ones, to live through broken relationships and promises, to fail at something that means a lot. The reality of it is cruel. However, the reality is a fact. A word. An incident. A span of time. It happens. It is life.
In our minds though, it is a failing - a failing of the self that we construct carefully for ourselves, a failing of the false feeling of control that we have on our lives, a failing of us as the most important celebrities on our own planet, or on someone else's. We feel we failed, and we feel that the failure is significant. Something to get over. Something to fight. Something to fuss over constantly, in a bid to forget.

Have we really failed though? Have we? What is failure? If trying to achieve something new, and not being able to is failure - we did in fact fail. If fighting against all odds to get what you want is failure - we indeed did fail miserably. The truth however, is that there is no failure. It is our game. We created it in our mind. We played it and we didn't win based on our own rules. And then we never forgave ourselves for losing.

Did she create a game to fight for his life? Yes. Did her game mean that she had to be there by his side "fighting" with him till the end? Yes. And she did not do that. Simple. Could she have played another game? Yes. Could she have changed the outcome of his death? No. Would her guilt bring him back? No. Does her failing at her game mean that she is a failure in "life"? No. Does it mean she cant be trusted? No. Does it mean anything except that fact that he succumbed to a disease and is not an active part of her life anymore? No.

Is there anything to get over? No.

It really is that simple.

The day we lose the significance of what happened, the day we can talk about it in facts, the way we can brush it aside as reality, that is the day we truly "get over it". Everything else is a sham. A facade to cover a facade.

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